Out

Yes, I'm out of the hospital. It was good (and necessary) to be there when I needed protection from my impulses, and now it's good (and necessary) to be out. I went to my therapist on Thursday, the Pastoral Staff meeting on Friday, and today I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Tomorrow I am liturgist at the seven o'clock service. I managed to do a few things today, like get a haircut, send Andy his birthday present, open the last of the mail left from my hospital stay, and (briefly) ruminate about my hospital experience. Here's hoping none of my readers ever have to spend a day in a psych hospital. It's not all that bad, but it's not pleasant either, especially when you have to work on your thoughts and they mess with your medications. But I survived and am more or less functional now.

The "f" word

No, not that one, "faggot." I was awakened about 4:30 am by my new roommate, Dennis, calling the night nurse, Paul, a "fucking faggot." Now if I were well I might be inclined to stand up to this bigoted person, but I'm not. After thinking about it a little while, I asked to be moved to another room. Probably the guy wouldn't have the guts to actually attack me, if he even figured out that I'm gay, by why take a chance? So now I'm down the hall with Robert, who has the same doctor I do and who is getting ECT. It seems to be working for him. It didn't for me, which just goes to prove that our brains are all different. Anyway, I feel safe again in this space.

Again?

Well, folks, I'm at NYU Hospital, on the psychiatric ward. It's my tenth hospitalization, a record I was trying to avoid. But it is better for me to be safe in the hospital than sorry out in the "real" world. This is a good place, which treats its patients well. I am confident that I will get out of here stable and in time to spend Christmas with Susanna. I sure hope so. This is my third hospitalization in 2008, and I do NOT plan to be in the hospital AT ALL in 2009. Pardon the in your face typography, but I don't think psychologically I can take another hospitalization. On the other hand, I will do whatever I have to do to stay well, which includes coming to the hospital again. But IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, BECAUSE GOD IS GOOD. Jeremiah 29:11 (from memory) "I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not to harm you." So, my friends, keep me in your prayers.

Communion

I didn't offer communion today. I have a cold, and didn't want to spread my germs among the congregation.

I'm surprised by how much I missed it. Offering "these two tokens," "the body and the blood," of "Jesus, the risen Christ" is an integral part of my week, and renews me in a special way. It gives me great joy to give communion, because it connects me with people in a way that can't be explained. I both give and receive tremendous energy from the experience. I will be away next weekend too, visiting my friend Steve for Thanksgiving. It will be the first time in four years that I have missed two weeks in a row, except for the times I was in the hospital for depression. I am already looking forward to giving communion again.

This pretty much sums up the way I feel about California, Florida, and Arizona. Separate is not equal. Period. Marriage is a civil right, just like voting. The arc of history will bend in our direction, but it may take a lot more patience and work. I just hope I live to see the day when my people can celebrate another victory (in addition to Connecticut -- let's not forget that everything is not lost).

What We Want to Find at MCCNY

Last Tuesday we spent some time exploring our former traditions and what we don't want to see from them at MCCNY, the things we bring that we do want to see, and the things we've never experienced that would be amazing to see at MCCNY.

Images of God We Bring to Church

“Bright Side”
Andrew
True Love
Openness
Participation
Serenity/welcome
Warmth
Empathy/openness
The only slice of God that Djia, alone, could ever bring; the amount that shines all that is Djia, in the glory of God . . . Hopefully the reminder to others that they are just as special as I am, and maybe more. And any amount of God that people, on their own, may find in me.
I bring the strength to worship without shame
Gentleness, compassion, quiet
Dedication
Myself with mind to clear and no hypocrisy

What We Don’t Want to Find Here
Papal Infallibility
Hate
Judgment (3)
Hypocrisy
Separation
Guilt
Repression
Smallness
Homophobia (2)
Gay marriage
Empty Ritual/ Ritual for ritual’s sake
Boredom
Irrelevance
Lack of possibility to be me
Isolation (2)
Preoccupation of church mission statement
Plagiarist pastor
Infighting (2)
Apathy
Cheapness
Lack of a connection
Cynicism
Racism
Sexism


What We Want to Find Here
Vacation Bible School
Community feel
Picnics
Pie-baking contests
A real relationship with God
Ladies Aid
Lasting traditions
Community
Personalism
More integrated community
Community
Commitment
A sense of history
Power of praise
Brotherhood
Community
Music
Old church hymnals

It would be amazing to find this here:
Dinner fundraisers and social gatherings
I feel like I’ve already found it . . . warmth and truth
Deep understanding
Exclusive spiritual development
The actual building of a new society in the shell of the old!
Successful welcoming team
Clones of Rev. Pat and Rev. Edgard
Husband/gay marriage/Legal Marriage/Marriage here (when we’re allowed to do it)
Our parents
Role reversal show
Play performance
A youth service (occasional)

Traditions in Which We Were Raised
Orthodox
Catholic (6)
Something … something … tabernacle
United Church of Christ
Baptist/Methodist
Lutheran (2)
Protestant
Pentecostal

CLM 1.2 Experiences of the Sacred

The homework from session one of Creating a Life that Matters included using a Post-It note to make an image or choose a word representing your first experience of the sacred. I took photos of the notes and made a slide show out of them. They're all really cool.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

CLM 1.1 Bring Many Names

Our first Creating a Life that Matters class was last night. It was a rousing success, from my viewpoint. Everyone actively participated, and I felt energized, even though I'm coming down with a cold.

One of the interesting exercises each table group did was to re-write the song I Will Change Your Name. The original song is written as if God were speaking to us. Here are the lyrics:

I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, Outcast, Lonely, or Afraid.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming One,
Faithfulness, Friend of God, One Who Seeks My Face.

We re-wrote it as us speaking to God, taking away the disempowering names and giving new names. Here are the four songs:

I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Angry, Palin-like or irrelevant.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Agape, partnering, welcoming one,
Peacefulness, Friend of Mine,
One who seeks my gaze.

==
I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Judgmental, vengeful, or straight.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Comforting, Compassionate, Forgiving One,
Available, Ever Present, One Who Loves Us All.
==
I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Angry, Vengeful, Fearful, or Distant.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Loving, Vulnerable, accessible,
Nuturing . . . You who seeks me out.
==
If I could speak to you
I feel you see me as Good,
Treasured, Accepted, Loved and Loyal.

If I may call you
What's Deep in My Heart,
Know All, Things Are Planned, Help Me Accept It.
Surrender and Trust You Know What's Best for Me.

As you can see, we are a great group!

October 12 Communion Blessing

Today I prayed that each person to whom I gave communion would know that God is in the dark places and the light places in their lives, and in the easy places and the hard places. I prayed that God's light would shine through so that everyone could see it. Afterward one person came to me and said that my prayer was exactly what he needed to hear today. I told him that it is all about grace -- that God's grace tells me what to say at communion and that I was blessed to know that what I said helped him.

God is good, all the time. (Even when I'm frustrated because I can't find the cable I need to connect my portable DVD player to my video projector!)

Outcasts

As the week goes on, I feel worse about how I handled the situation with Don, explained in my previous post. He is an outcast: poor, queer, homeless, mentally ill, African-American. I'm white, middle class, currently mentally healthy, and have a home. Disciples are supposed to stand up for the outcast. I didn't stand up for Don in the way I should have. I ought to have told EMS and the police to take a hike, that there was no need for them. Instead, I let the situation spin out of control and Don ended up at Bellevue against his will.

I prayed this morning for forgiveness. I have a deep feeling that God has forgiven me for this, unconditionally. From now on I am going to try to do a better job of standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

I was feeling for a while like it would have been better if I had stayed in my apartment hiding out all weekend. At least then I wouldn't have had to deal with this situation. Except disciples aren't supposed to be holy hermits but actors for the reign of God in the real world. So I'm over that feeling. Pray with me for all those who are mentally ill and abused that someone will be there to stand up for them.

What is normal?

I feel bad about a situation I was involved in today. After the service Rev. Pat asked me if I would let Don (a pseudonym), a mentally ill queer youth, take a shower. She told me I would have to kick him out afterward. This was after the service. I said yes. After he got started in the bathroom I went upstairs to lock the third floor door and had to wait around a little bit for gender people to finish up. When I went back downstairs Don was still in the bathroom. I started encouraging him to come out. In the meantime, someone, without my permission, called 911. EMS and the cops ended up coming and taking Don to Bellevue. I feel like we tricked Don. Also, the other people involved apparently believe that Don should be forced to take his medicine and behave normally. But I don’t feel that way at all. Who knows what “normal” feels like to Don? Maybe “normal” is terrible for Don. Or maybe his meds have bad side effects for him. Anyway, who are we “normal” people to decide how someone else should live his life? So I ended up angry. I am still working on getting over my anger. I pray no harm comes to Don as a result of ending up at Bellevue.

God Changes

The reading from the Hebrew Scriptures this morning is Ezekiel 18:5-18. It says that a son shall not be punished for the sins of his father, nor a father for the sins of his son. Aside from the very sexist nature of this idea (mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, mothers and sons are all left out), this directly contradicts Exodus 20:5 (I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of their parents, to the third and fourth generations of those who reject me . . . ). So much for the idea that our God is an unchanging God.

This is Adam Farber and Sara Roizen, whose wedding I attended this weekend. There were three Israelis there who said the wedding was more Jewish than weddings they had attended in Israel. The wedding was really beautiful, as was the Shabbat service held on Saturday.

This is a picture of my college friend Steve Roizen. We have known each other for 40 years. We were both married and had two kids and came out in our fifties. I attended the wedding of his oldest daughter Sara this weekend.

Paul: Wrong on all authority from God

This

This morning's reading from the Christian Scriptures is Romans 13:1-7. I imagine that the Republicans love this when they are in office and hate it when they are out. "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore, whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment." I have to say that I think Paul is just plain wrong. I don't believe George W. Bush was appointed by God. And in fact I think it is my duty as a Christian to resist the war in Iraq, instituted by Mr. Bush. And it is my duty as a Christian to advocate for a more equal distribution of resources, something Bush and his allies clearly oppose. I believe I have to oppose "don't ask, don't tell," another Bush policy.

The very next paragraph (verses 8 to 10) says that the commandments are summed up in "love your neighbor as yourself." Here I think Paul is almost right, and I think that he contradicts what he just said. The Iraq war isn't loving our neighbor. "Don't ask, don't tell" isn't a loving policy. And we don't love our neighbor when we allow the government's economic policies to put him or her out of work. In Matthew 22 Jesus has a slightly different take: 36 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

I don't think we love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind when we support an unjust government.

God is Good

God is good, all the time.

Obviously, I wasn't feeling that on Monday, when I did my last post. But my psychiatrist made a brilliant choice in putting me on Namenda. I have had only two tablets and I feel better already! I have never had such a rapid turn around in my mood. Of course there is a small chance that this is only temporary, and I will go back to feeling like the world is collapsing around me. But I don't think so. This feels like it's the real thing. There is also a chance that I will go into mania, but I don't feel any of my usual manic urges, so I think this medicine is working for me. Praise God!

Susanna sent me Jeremiah 29:11 to meditate on. "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out -- plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" (The Message -- The Bible in Contemporary Language). So I will be strong and take courage, for God has already shown me goodness. And I will trust that God has put the right people in my life right now to help me make the right decisions.

Communion Blessing - August 31

This week's communion blessing, as always, reflected the sermon. The essence of the message, at least as I got it, was that God wants us to see Christ in everyone, friend and other-than-friend alike. So my blessing was:

The body and blood of Jesus the Christ, given for you. May you know this week and always that there is Christ in you, and may you see the Christ in all those you meet. This blessing I ask in the name of Jesus, the risen Christ. Amen.

What's Left to Learn?

In yesterday’s sermon, Rev. Pat quoted St. Teresa of Avila as saying to God, “If this is the way you treat your friends, it is no wonder you have so few.” That’s about the way I’m feeling right now. I’m depressed again, and don’t see what there is left for me to learn from it. I’ve learned some things. It’s okay to be gay. I’ve always done the best I could in my life, so I have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s not just okay but necessary to take care of myself. It’s okay to be human instead of perfect. What’s left to learn? And if there is something left, can’t I learn it some other way?

I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel’s Patterns earlier. Here is the last verse:

"And the pattern still remains on the wall where darkness fell,
And it's fitting that it should, for in darkness I must dwell.
Like the color of my skin, or the day that I grow old,
My life is made of patterns that can scarcely be controlled."

I hope Paul Simon got it wrong in this song. First, I hope that the pattern of depressions that has ruled my life for the last fifteen years can somehow be controlled. Second, I hope that I don’t have to dwell in darkness. Some suffering is noble, but not this.

What has God given you?

Rev. Pat Baumgartner preached today on Matthew 16:13-20. This is the passage in which Peter identifies Jesus as the Christ, the Child of the Living God.

 

Rev. Pat made an important point about this passage. Peter is declaring to Jesus who he is, which is another way of saying what God has given him. By knowing what God has given us, we can know what God expects us to do. God expects us to use what God has given us.

 

This message speaks to me because I have been struggling with two notions. One is that I should have been who I am now -- an out gay man -- a long time ago. The other is that God expects me to be perfect. Well, perhaps God didn't give me the tools to be an out gay man until fairly recently. Perhaps I am able to be who I am today because God gave me that ability when the time was right, and not before then. And maybe God doesn't expect me to be perfect because God hasn't given me the (questionable) gift of being perfect. And what God doesn't expect of me I shouldn't expect of myself.

 

Today when I offered communion I gave this blessing: may you find yourself this week knowing what God has given you, thereby knowing what it is that God expects you to do, and may you find yourself doing that very thing.

 

And this, my siblings, is the gift I ask for myself.

Communion Blessing, August 17

Here is the blessing I used at communion this week.

The body and blood of Jesus, the Christ, given for you.

May you have three blessings this week. First, may you know what it is that you need to live the life God intends for you. Second, like the Canaanite woman, may you ask God for what you need. Last, may you have the grace to take what God offers you in response to your prayer.

I offer this prayer in the name of Jesus, the Risen Christ.

An Unchanging God?

"You are eternal, unchanging" go the words to one of my favorite modern Gospel tunes. I've been thinking a lot about that recently. Is God really unchanging? I don't think so. In the Hebrew Scriptures it seems like God is constantly making new decisions – that is, changing. He punishes Israel for its sins, then relents. And what is a miracle but God changing the natural order of things? Or at least giving us a new understanding of possibilities, that is, changing us.

God is constantly changing my understanding of who God is. This is the process of revelation. Would any of us get a new understanding of who God is if God were unchanging? Or is the possibility of new understanding built into creation from the beginning? Maybe God is unchanging because it is part of nature for us to change our understanding of God. This is the question of predestination. I believe we do have choices, that our fates are not predestined, and that there is the possibility that the events of our lives show us things about God. If different things had happened to me, I would have a different understanding of God.

Today's Gospel lesson (Mathew. 15:22 - 28) involves Christ changing his mind, even his understanding of what the reign of God involves. A foreigner, a Canaanite woman, disturbs him with a request that he cure her daughter. At first he refuses, even calling her a dog. But she persists, saying that even dogs get to eat the crumbs from the master's table. Jesus, amazed at her faith, grants her prayer. This is a sign that Jesus now sees the reign of God as including those at the margin, the foreign Canaanites.

Jesus learned from his experience with the woman. An unchanging God would never learn anything.

Now to my previous post. Did God make me less than a "real man"? As a queer am I less than a real man? Or, having grown up when I did (in the sixties), is my understanding of "real man" too narrow, too defined by the Marlboro man and 007? Is being a man more than anatomy?

Plumbing and Perfectionism

Apparently God chose not to give me any plumbing abilities at all. I tried to change the water filter under my kitchen sink this morning and couldn't get it to stop leaking. I had to call Greg, our super, to fix it. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like a freaking faggot. It's another example of my perfectionism. I had to ask for help and I hated it. I feel like a "real man" (whatever that is) would have been able to do the job without the least difficulty. This, at least, I know comes from my father, who could have done the job with his eyes closed.

Only God is perfect, so I have to give up this idea that I have to be able to do everything perfectly and without any help. I think, like my friend Len, I have to work on accepting my own imperfections. Which really means just accepting myself as I am, without any judgment.

Asking for Help

One of my long standing problems has been my refusal to ask for help when I need it. My experience at Sears yesterday is a perfect example. I went to look for a treadmill. I have been having a lot of problems with my bowels while out walking, and I figured I can surely make it from the bedroom (where the treadmill will be) to the bathroom. I stood by one particular treadmill for at least ten minutes, but no salesperson appeared to help me. I could certainly have asked one of the salespeople from another department for help, but I didn't. That would be admitting that I can't manage everything on my own. Instead, I went home and ordered one over the internet. It was actually $50 cheaper on the net than in the store.

What I find interesting about this is that I have no problem asking God for help. I pray every day, mostly for other people, but sometimes for myself. I pray pretty often that I not get depressed again, and that my bowel problem will go away. Why do I find it so easy to ask God for help, and so hard to ask human beings, each of whom has a spark of the divine?

Sodom and Gomorrah

Every morning I read the Scriptures suggested by the authors of the Revised Common Lectionary. They are supposed to be preparation for the Sunday readings (Thursday through Saturday), or reflections on them (Monday through Wednesday). This morning's reading from the Hebrew Scriptures was Genesis 19:1-29, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. I read the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) text in my Oxford study Bible.

I don't see the relationship between this text and Sunday's reading, which was the story of Jesus' walking on the sea of Galilee and Peter's partly successful effort to join him. I looked at the Oxford notes, hoping for some clue. All I got was the suggestion that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was punishment for the sexual excesses, specifically sodomy, of the residents of the town.

This is a text that is used by conservatives to condemn me and my people. Many contemporary critics see the text as a condemnation of the inhospitability of the people of Sodom, rather than a condemnation of our sexuality. The New
Interpreter's Bible is somewhat more helpful than Oxford in seeing the sin as social, the threat of gang rape rather than individual, a private sexual act.

So what am I to make of this text? It is surely, as Rev. Edgard Danielsen-Morales calls it, a text of terror. I have to think about it carefully to avoid feeling that the Bible is condemning me. I do think it is the threat of rape, not homosexuality, that is being condemned.

We give out stickers every year at the Pride Parade that say "God Made Me Queer." I believe that absolutely. My queerness has caused me a lot of pain, pain that I did not deliberately choose. God made me queer so that I would grow as a human being. God didn't make me queer to punish me. Why would God make me queer then condemn me? The God of my head (still working on my heart) loves me because of who I am, not despite who I am.

Here's a comment my conservative friends won't like: we have to be careful not to confuse the Bible with God. The Bible is a cultural construct, written by humans to reflect their understanding of God at the time they were writing. It was not dictated by God. My understanding of God as a loving God is not the understanding that the author of the Sodom story had. And I think my understanding is closer to the truth of who I AM is.

As you can see from the post below, I have been thinking and feeling about the kind of God I believe in. One of the exercises from Creating a Life that Matters is to take this song, which is God singing to us, and change it so that we are signing it back to God, with our negative images of God (judgmental is a big one for me) in the first part, and our positive images of God (protector for me) in the second part.

I Will Change Your Name

(D.J. Butler)

I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.

Copyright © 1987 Mercy Publishing. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Creating a Life that Matters

I've been involved for a few weeks now in Creating a Life that Matters. I'm sure that there will be some posts on my blog about CLM. Here's an overview, taken from what will be a bulletin insert after Labor Day.

Creating a Life that Matters is a three-course program which explores ways to rediscover relationship with the Sacred, with your Self, and with your Passion. You will be challenged to broaden your understanding of all that is Sacred; integrate your self-awareness into being an authentic, aware leader; and live your passion intentionally through the life and work of the church. Creating a Life that Matters integrates art, scripture, music, film, journaling, and diverse spiritual resources to augment your exploration of the Christian path.

Rediscovering Relationship

with the Sacred

While relationship with the Sacred is the fundamental beginning of all faith paths, this transforming experience is often lost when you exchange your spiritual vitality for empty religious practices. In these six sessions, you will explore what it means to be transformed by an encounter with the Sacred, and rediscover loving God with heart, soul and mind. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

1.1 Bring Many Names: We will share and be exposed to a variety of images for the Mystery that can never be fully comprehended.

1.2 Beyond Belief: We will feel permission and encouragement to dismiss what insults our souls and affirm our experiences of the Sacred as true, transformational and soul building.

1.3 Church: The Body Eclectic: We will be able to imagine a church alive – so diverse that a God of many names is embodied by a people who live beyond belief.

1.4 Friends of God and Prophets: We will experience the sacred in the witness and lives of others.

1.5 Staying Alive: We will recognize and celebrate the diversity of spiritual practices, and will commit to keeping ourselves alive spiritually.

1.6 Celebrating the Sacred: We will share a ritual meal.

Rediscovering Relationship

with My Self

You expend time, effort and money seeking to understand who you are. In these six sessions you will explore some of the influences that have shaped you, and ways to create a self you will want to live with, others will want to relate to, and God will be able to use in the service of all that is Sacred. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

2.1 Brilliant, Gorgeous, Fabulous: We will realize that everything begins and ends with personal integrity, the complete and authentic integration of body, soul, and spirit.

2.2 Powerful Beyond Measure: We will begin to understand the giftedness our integrated, authentic selves bring into the service of the Sacred.

2.3 Under the Waterline: We will understand both the conscious and unconscious influences which directly inform our behaviors.

2.4 Keeping Body and Soul Together: We will be committed to the reconciliation of body and soul, sexuality and spirituality.

2.5 Good Vibrations: We will have experienced how others experience us: our giftedness. We will understand the manifestations of the Spirit in each of us, how our soul manifests itself in the world.

2.6 Celebrating My Sacred Self: We will share a ritual meal.

Rediscovering Relationship

with My Passion

Your passions make you most aware of your personal power, energy and joy. Many internal and external factors influence how successfully you manifest these passions in your life. In these six sessions you will explore ways to manage those factors, and discover what gives you power, energy, and joy as you serve the Sacred through the church. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

3.1 Did You Call Me?: We will understand that our personal calling will be in perfect harmony with our deepest interests, talents, and abilities.

3.2 Peaks and Valleys: We will begin to realize that both our deepest valleys and our highest peaks are gifts, and shape who we are today.

3.3 Shadows in the Valleys: We will realize that none of the “four basic fears” has the power to prevent us from following our passion.

3.4 Tapestry: We will be able to imagine our lives and our gifts as integral to a vast and interwoven tapestry, that fulfills the purposes of God, through human lives lived in harmony with their passions.

3.5 The Perfect Swing: We will be able to locate the intersection between our own deepest passion and the world’s deepest need.

3.6 Here We Are, Send Us!: We will share a ritual meal.

The Creating a Life that Matters course will be held at the church, 446 West 36^th Street, New York, NY 10018.

Rediscovering Relationship with the Sacred will be held on Tuesdays from October 14 to November 18.

Rediscovering Relationship with My Self will be held on Tuesdays from January 6 to February 8.

Rediscovering Relationship with My Passion will be held on Tuesdays from February 24 to March 31.

The God of My Head and the God of My Heart

One of the things I've discovered in therapy is that the source of much of the pain in my life is my inability to forgive myself for being less than perfect. Even worse, as my understanding of myself has grown, my standard of perfection has changed too. For example, I used to berate myself for being gay. Now I berate myself for not coming out when I was younger.

Now the God that's in my head loves me just as I am, loved me in the closet, loved me out of the closet, forgives my every imperfection. I need that God in my heart, for the God of my heart is constantly judging me, expecting that everything I say and do, even what I think, will be perfect. Where this God came from I don't know, but this One has been with me since my childhood. Perhaps some well meaning Sunday school teacher gave me this idea. Or perhaps it comes from Mom and Dad. In any case this idea of God is essentially evil, because it sets up a situation where I can never be good enough to be an acceptable disciple.

So what am I doing about it? For one thing I'm praying about it, asking God to align my heart with my head. For another thing I am writing about it. I'm trying to accept the idea that the best I can do is all that God expects of me, and all that I have any right to expect of myself. I'm trying to absorb the idea that God loves me just as I am. That perhaps God needed me to be a straight appearing man to accomplish what I did in EMS.

Why this blog?

I've been thinking about setting up a blog for a long time, but I thought, "what's interesting enough in my life that other people would want to read about it?" I decided this morning that my spiritual struggles are interesting enough that other people might be interested. Of course, there will be other things as well, but my spiritual life will be the focus.