Joy in the Journey

I'm discovering more and more that there is, in fact, joy in the journey. Right now I'm reading an excellent book by Jay Michaelson titled God in Your Body. His chapter on eating has already changed my perspective. Living in the moment sounds harder than it really is.

I've been thinking a lot recently about time. The past certainly impinges on me in the form of that great cloud of witnesses (grandparents, parents, siblings, former pastors) that surrounds me, as does the future (in the form of my children and Zora, my granddaughter). The present impinges on the past (my present memories are really all I have of those witnesses) and on the future (there can't be one without the present). Blessings on the present moment.

January 18, 2010

It's been ages since I posted to this blog, so I thought I should get active again. I've been weaned off most of my psychiatric medications, and am now coming off Abilify. It will be interesting to see if I can do it without going into a depression.

My current spiritual practice is to read the Revised Common Lectionary Scriptures for the day, plus a few words from The Word is Out(Chris Glaser's daily meditations), Mornings With Thomas Merton, and a saint from All Saints. All this while sitting in front of my light box consuming my only cup of coffee. Afterward I meditate for twenty minutes to half an hour, closing with prayers for various people.

When I'm feeling up to it (and I haven't been lately) I go on the treadmill for two half hour sessions. The reason I haven't been up to it lately is that I've been having problems resulting from my prostate cancer. However, I hope to resume my treadmill sessions soon.

Faith in the dark valley

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen," Hebrews 11 teaches us. And "though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me," assures Psalm 23. These two passages formed the basis for Pastor Jeff's sermon at MCC Philadelphia this week. It was a message that spoke to me very directly.

I have bipolar disorder. I had my eleventh hospitalization for depression last week. Although I have been deeper in that dark valley, I was a long ways down the ledge when I went in the hospital. Suicidal thoughts were plaguing me relentlessly. But I knew I would not act on those thoughts. I am sure that God will protect me from the Evil One when these thoughts come. There was a time when my faith was not as strong as it is now, and there may be times in the future when it will not be as strong as it is now. But I am sure, by faith and faith alone, that God will always protect me when I end up in that dark valley. That protection might require that I check myself into the hospital to be sure that there is no chance that I can hurt myself – and if that's what's necessary, that's what I'll do. But it isn't by any strength that I have that I am protected. It is only by faith. Even the power of faith comes from God. Faith isn't something I developed on my own; God gave it to me.

I must tell you that I am not very happy with God right now. I am glad that I got through this experience, but I'm tired of cycling through depressions and mania and just want to lead a productive life not filled with this sort of drama. But I know that God is big enough to take my unhappiness, and I have faith that somehow I will be shown a way out of the valley.

Schedules and stars

The Scriptures I read yesterday counseled that we realize that things take place in God's time, not on our schedules. And the sermon was about following our star, wherever that leads us, even if it's out of our comfort zone. Since I no longer believe in coincidence, I have to believe that my plans for 2009 will take place when God is ready, not necessarily when I want or "need" them to, and that going out of my comfort zone is okay. What plans, you ask? Keep checking this blog and I will let you know.

Out

Yes, I'm out of the hospital. It was good (and necessary) to be there when I needed protection from my impulses, and now it's good (and necessary) to be out. I went to my therapist on Thursday, the Pastoral Staff meeting on Friday, and today I watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Tomorrow I am liturgist at the seven o'clock service. I managed to do a few things today, like get a haircut, send Andy his birthday present, open the last of the mail left from my hospital stay, and (briefly) ruminate about my hospital experience. Here's hoping none of my readers ever have to spend a day in a psych hospital. It's not all that bad, but it's not pleasant either, especially when you have to work on your thoughts and they mess with your medications. But I survived and am more or less functional now.

The "f" word

No, not that one, "faggot." I was awakened about 4:30 am by my new roommate, Dennis, calling the night nurse, Paul, a "fucking faggot." Now if I were well I might be inclined to stand up to this bigoted person, but I'm not. After thinking about it a little while, I asked to be moved to another room. Probably the guy wouldn't have the guts to actually attack me, if he even figured out that I'm gay, by why take a chance? So now I'm down the hall with Robert, who has the same doctor I do and who is getting ECT. It seems to be working for him. It didn't for me, which just goes to prove that our brains are all different. Anyway, I feel safe again in this space.

Again?

Well, folks, I'm at NYU Hospital, on the psychiatric ward. It's my tenth hospitalization, a record I was trying to avoid. But it is better for me to be safe in the hospital than sorry out in the "real" world. This is a good place, which treats its patients well. I am confident that I will get out of here stable and in time to spend Christmas with Susanna. I sure hope so. This is my third hospitalization in 2008, and I do NOT plan to be in the hospital AT ALL in 2009. Pardon the in your face typography, but I don't think psychologically I can take another hospitalization. On the other hand, I will do whatever I have to do to stay well, which includes coming to the hospital again. But IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, BECAUSE GOD IS GOOD. Jeremiah 29:11 (from memory) "I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not to harm you." So, my friends, keep me in your prayers.

Communion

I didn't offer communion today. I have a cold, and didn't want to spread my germs among the congregation.

I'm surprised by how much I missed it. Offering "these two tokens," "the body and the blood," of "Jesus, the risen Christ" is an integral part of my week, and renews me in a special way. It gives me great joy to give communion, because it connects me with people in a way that can't be explained. I both give and receive tremendous energy from the experience. I will be away next weekend too, visiting my friend Steve for Thanksgiving. It will be the first time in four years that I have missed two weeks in a row, except for the times I was in the hospital for depression. I am already looking forward to giving communion again.

This pretty much sums up the way I feel about California, Florida, and Arizona. Separate is not equal. Period. Marriage is a civil right, just like voting. The arc of history will bend in our direction, but it may take a lot more patience and work. I just hope I live to see the day when my people can celebrate another victory (in addition to Connecticut -- let's not forget that everything is not lost).

What We Want to Find at MCCNY

Last Tuesday we spent some time exploring our former traditions and what we don't want to see from them at MCCNY, the things we bring that we do want to see, and the things we've never experienced that would be amazing to see at MCCNY.

Images of God We Bring to Church

“Bright Side”
Andrew
True Love
Openness
Participation
Serenity/welcome
Warmth
Empathy/openness
The only slice of God that Djia, alone, could ever bring; the amount that shines all that is Djia, in the glory of God . . . Hopefully the reminder to others that they are just as special as I am, and maybe more. And any amount of God that people, on their own, may find in me.
I bring the strength to worship without shame
Gentleness, compassion, quiet
Dedication
Myself with mind to clear and no hypocrisy

What We Don’t Want to Find Here
Papal Infallibility
Hate
Judgment (3)
Hypocrisy
Separation
Guilt
Repression
Smallness
Homophobia (2)
Gay marriage
Empty Ritual/ Ritual for ritual’s sake
Boredom
Irrelevance
Lack of possibility to be me
Isolation (2)
Preoccupation of church mission statement
Plagiarist pastor
Infighting (2)
Apathy
Cheapness
Lack of a connection
Cynicism
Racism
Sexism


What We Want to Find Here
Vacation Bible School
Community feel
Picnics
Pie-baking contests
A real relationship with God
Ladies Aid
Lasting traditions
Community
Personalism
More integrated community
Community
Commitment
A sense of history
Power of praise
Brotherhood
Community
Music
Old church hymnals

It would be amazing to find this here:
Dinner fundraisers and social gatherings
I feel like I’ve already found it . . . warmth and truth
Deep understanding
Exclusive spiritual development
The actual building of a new society in the shell of the old!
Successful welcoming team
Clones of Rev. Pat and Rev. Edgard
Husband/gay marriage/Legal Marriage/Marriage here (when we’re allowed to do it)
Our parents
Role reversal show
Play performance
A youth service (occasional)

Traditions in Which We Were Raised
Orthodox
Catholic (6)
Something … something … tabernacle
United Church of Christ
Baptist/Methodist
Lutheran (2)
Protestant
Pentecostal

CLM 1.2 Experiences of the Sacred

The homework from session one of Creating a Life that Matters included using a Post-It note to make an image or choose a word representing your first experience of the sacred. I took photos of the notes and made a slide show out of them. They're all really cool.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

CLM 1.1 Bring Many Names

Our first Creating a Life that Matters class was last night. It was a rousing success, from my viewpoint. Everyone actively participated, and I felt energized, even though I'm coming down with a cold.

One of the interesting exercises each table group did was to re-write the song I Will Change Your Name. The original song is written as if God were speaking to us. Here are the lyrics:

I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, Outcast, Lonely, or Afraid.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming One,
Faithfulness, Friend of God, One Who Seeks My Face.

We re-wrote it as us speaking to God, taking away the disempowering names and giving new names. Here are the four songs:

I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Angry, Palin-like or irrelevant.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Agape, partnering, welcoming one,
Peacefulness, Friend of Mine,
One who seeks my gaze.

==
I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Judgmental, vengeful, or straight.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Comforting, Compassionate, Forgiving One,
Available, Ever Present, One Who Loves Us All.
==
I will change your name.
You shall no longer be called
Angry, Vengeful, Fearful, or Distant.

I will change your name.
Your new name shall be
Loving, Vulnerable, accessible,
Nuturing . . . You who seeks me out.
==
If I could speak to you
I feel you see me as Good,
Treasured, Accepted, Loved and Loyal.

If I may call you
What's Deep in My Heart,
Know All, Things Are Planned, Help Me Accept It.
Surrender and Trust You Know What's Best for Me.

As you can see, we are a great group!

October 12 Communion Blessing

Today I prayed that each person to whom I gave communion would know that God is in the dark places and the light places in their lives, and in the easy places and the hard places. I prayed that God's light would shine through so that everyone could see it. Afterward one person came to me and said that my prayer was exactly what he needed to hear today. I told him that it is all about grace -- that God's grace tells me what to say at communion and that I was blessed to know that what I said helped him.

God is good, all the time. (Even when I'm frustrated because I can't find the cable I need to connect my portable DVD player to my video projector!)

Outcasts

As the week goes on, I feel worse about how I handled the situation with Don, explained in my previous post. He is an outcast: poor, queer, homeless, mentally ill, African-American. I'm white, middle class, currently mentally healthy, and have a home. Disciples are supposed to stand up for the outcast. I didn't stand up for Don in the way I should have. I ought to have told EMS and the police to take a hike, that there was no need for them. Instead, I let the situation spin out of control and Don ended up at Bellevue against his will.

I prayed this morning for forgiveness. I have a deep feeling that God has forgiven me for this, unconditionally. From now on I am going to try to do a better job of standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

I was feeling for a while like it would have been better if I had stayed in my apartment hiding out all weekend. At least then I wouldn't have had to deal with this situation. Except disciples aren't supposed to be holy hermits but actors for the reign of God in the real world. So I'm over that feeling. Pray with me for all those who are mentally ill and abused that someone will be there to stand up for them.

What is normal?

I feel bad about a situation I was involved in today. After the service Rev. Pat asked me if I would let Don (a pseudonym), a mentally ill queer youth, take a shower. She told me I would have to kick him out afterward. This was after the service. I said yes. After he got started in the bathroom I went upstairs to lock the third floor door and had to wait around a little bit for gender people to finish up. When I went back downstairs Don was still in the bathroom. I started encouraging him to come out. In the meantime, someone, without my permission, called 911. EMS and the cops ended up coming and taking Don to Bellevue. I feel like we tricked Don. Also, the other people involved apparently believe that Don should be forced to take his medicine and behave normally. But I don’t feel that way at all. Who knows what “normal” feels like to Don? Maybe “normal” is terrible for Don. Or maybe his meds have bad side effects for him. Anyway, who are we “normal” people to decide how someone else should live his life? So I ended up angry. I am still working on getting over my anger. I pray no harm comes to Don as a result of ending up at Bellevue.

God Changes

The reading from the Hebrew Scriptures this morning is Ezekiel 18:5-18. It says that a son shall not be punished for the sins of his father, nor a father for the sins of his son. Aside from the very sexist nature of this idea (mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, mothers and sons are all left out), this directly contradicts Exodus 20:5 (I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of their parents, to the third and fourth generations of those who reject me . . . ). So much for the idea that our God is an unchanging God.

This is Adam Farber and Sara Roizen, whose wedding I attended this weekend. There were three Israelis there who said the wedding was more Jewish than weddings they had attended in Israel. The wedding was really beautiful, as was the Shabbat service held on Saturday.

This is a picture of my college friend Steve Roizen. We have known each other for 40 years. We were both married and had two kids and came out in our fifties. I attended the wedding of his oldest daughter Sara this weekend.

Paul: Wrong on all authority from God

This

This morning's reading from the Christian Scriptures is Romans 13:1-7. I imagine that the Republicans love this when they are in office and hate it when they are out. "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore, whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment." I have to say that I think Paul is just plain wrong. I don't believe George W. Bush was appointed by God. And in fact I think it is my duty as a Christian to resist the war in Iraq, instituted by Mr. Bush. And it is my duty as a Christian to advocate for a more equal distribution of resources, something Bush and his allies clearly oppose. I believe I have to oppose "don't ask, don't tell," another Bush policy.

The very next paragraph (verses 8 to 10) says that the commandments are summed up in "love your neighbor as yourself." Here I think Paul is almost right, and I think that he contradicts what he just said. The Iraq war isn't loving our neighbor. "Don't ask, don't tell" isn't a loving policy. And we don't love our neighbor when we allow the government's economic policies to put him or her out of work. In Matthew 22 Jesus has a slightly different take: 36 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37 Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

I don't think we love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind when we support an unjust government.