What has God given you?

Rev. Pat Baumgartner preached today on Matthew 16:13-20. This is the passage in which Peter identifies Jesus as the Christ, the Child of the Living God.

 

Rev. Pat made an important point about this passage. Peter is declaring to Jesus who he is, which is another way of saying what God has given him. By knowing what God has given us, we can know what God expects us to do. God expects us to use what God has given us.

 

This message speaks to me because I have been struggling with two notions. One is that I should have been who I am now -- an out gay man -- a long time ago. The other is that God expects me to be perfect. Well, perhaps God didn't give me the tools to be an out gay man until fairly recently. Perhaps I am able to be who I am today because God gave me that ability when the time was right, and not before then. And maybe God doesn't expect me to be perfect because God hasn't given me the (questionable) gift of being perfect. And what God doesn't expect of me I shouldn't expect of myself.

 

Today when I offered communion I gave this blessing: may you find yourself this week knowing what God has given you, thereby knowing what it is that God expects you to do, and may you find yourself doing that very thing.

 

And this, my siblings, is the gift I ask for myself.

Communion Blessing, August 17

Here is the blessing I used at communion this week.

The body and blood of Jesus, the Christ, given for you.

May you have three blessings this week. First, may you know what it is that you need to live the life God intends for you. Second, like the Canaanite woman, may you ask God for what you need. Last, may you have the grace to take what God offers you in response to your prayer.

I offer this prayer in the name of Jesus, the Risen Christ.

An Unchanging God?

"You are eternal, unchanging" go the words to one of my favorite modern Gospel tunes. I've been thinking a lot about that recently. Is God really unchanging? I don't think so. In the Hebrew Scriptures it seems like God is constantly making new decisions – that is, changing. He punishes Israel for its sins, then relents. And what is a miracle but God changing the natural order of things? Or at least giving us a new understanding of possibilities, that is, changing us.

God is constantly changing my understanding of who God is. This is the process of revelation. Would any of us get a new understanding of who God is if God were unchanging? Or is the possibility of new understanding built into creation from the beginning? Maybe God is unchanging because it is part of nature for us to change our understanding of God. This is the question of predestination. I believe we do have choices, that our fates are not predestined, and that there is the possibility that the events of our lives show us things about God. If different things had happened to me, I would have a different understanding of God.

Today's Gospel lesson (Mathew. 15:22 - 28) involves Christ changing his mind, even his understanding of what the reign of God involves. A foreigner, a Canaanite woman, disturbs him with a request that he cure her daughter. At first he refuses, even calling her a dog. But she persists, saying that even dogs get to eat the crumbs from the master's table. Jesus, amazed at her faith, grants her prayer. This is a sign that Jesus now sees the reign of God as including those at the margin, the foreign Canaanites.

Jesus learned from his experience with the woman. An unchanging God would never learn anything.

Now to my previous post. Did God make me less than a "real man"? As a queer am I less than a real man? Or, having grown up when I did (in the sixties), is my understanding of "real man" too narrow, too defined by the Marlboro man and 007? Is being a man more than anatomy?

Plumbing and Perfectionism

Apparently God chose not to give me any plumbing abilities at all. I tried to change the water filter under my kitchen sink this morning and couldn't get it to stop leaking. I had to call Greg, our super, to fix it. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like a freaking faggot. It's another example of my perfectionism. I had to ask for help and I hated it. I feel like a "real man" (whatever that is) would have been able to do the job without the least difficulty. This, at least, I know comes from my father, who could have done the job with his eyes closed.

Only God is perfect, so I have to give up this idea that I have to be able to do everything perfectly and without any help. I think, like my friend Len, I have to work on accepting my own imperfections. Which really means just accepting myself as I am, without any judgment.

Asking for Help

One of my long standing problems has been my refusal to ask for help when I need it. My experience at Sears yesterday is a perfect example. I went to look for a treadmill. I have been having a lot of problems with my bowels while out walking, and I figured I can surely make it from the bedroom (where the treadmill will be) to the bathroom. I stood by one particular treadmill for at least ten minutes, but no salesperson appeared to help me. I could certainly have asked one of the salespeople from another department for help, but I didn't. That would be admitting that I can't manage everything on my own. Instead, I went home and ordered one over the internet. It was actually $50 cheaper on the net than in the store.

What I find interesting about this is that I have no problem asking God for help. I pray every day, mostly for other people, but sometimes for myself. I pray pretty often that I not get depressed again, and that my bowel problem will go away. Why do I find it so easy to ask God for help, and so hard to ask human beings, each of whom has a spark of the divine?

Sodom and Gomorrah

Every morning I read the Scriptures suggested by the authors of the Revised Common Lectionary. They are supposed to be preparation for the Sunday readings (Thursday through Saturday), or reflections on them (Monday through Wednesday). This morning's reading from the Hebrew Scriptures was Genesis 19:1-29, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. I read the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) text in my Oxford study Bible.

I don't see the relationship between this text and Sunday's reading, which was the story of Jesus' walking on the sea of Galilee and Peter's partly successful effort to join him. I looked at the Oxford notes, hoping for some clue. All I got was the suggestion that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was punishment for the sexual excesses, specifically sodomy, of the residents of the town.

This is a text that is used by conservatives to condemn me and my people. Many contemporary critics see the text as a condemnation of the inhospitability of the people of Sodom, rather than a condemnation of our sexuality. The New
Interpreter's Bible is somewhat more helpful than Oxford in seeing the sin as social, the threat of gang rape rather than individual, a private sexual act.

So what am I to make of this text? It is surely, as Rev. Edgard Danielsen-Morales calls it, a text of terror. I have to think about it carefully to avoid feeling that the Bible is condemning me. I do think it is the threat of rape, not homosexuality, that is being condemned.

We give out stickers every year at the Pride Parade that say "God Made Me Queer." I believe that absolutely. My queerness has caused me a lot of pain, pain that I did not deliberately choose. God made me queer so that I would grow as a human being. God didn't make me queer to punish me. Why would God make me queer then condemn me? The God of my head (still working on my heart) loves me because of who I am, not despite who I am.

Here's a comment my conservative friends won't like: we have to be careful not to confuse the Bible with God. The Bible is a cultural construct, written by humans to reflect their understanding of God at the time they were writing. It was not dictated by God. My understanding of God as a loving God is not the understanding that the author of the Sodom story had. And I think my understanding is closer to the truth of who I AM is.

As you can see from the post below, I have been thinking and feeling about the kind of God I believe in. One of the exercises from Creating a Life that Matters is to take this song, which is God singing to us, and change it so that we are signing it back to God, with our negative images of God (judgmental is a big one for me) in the first part, and our positive images of God (protector for me) in the second part.

I Will Change Your Name

(D.J. Butler)

I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.

Copyright © 1987 Mercy Publishing. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Creating a Life that Matters

I've been involved for a few weeks now in Creating a Life that Matters. I'm sure that there will be some posts on my blog about CLM. Here's an overview, taken from what will be a bulletin insert after Labor Day.

Creating a Life that Matters is a three-course program which explores ways to rediscover relationship with the Sacred, with your Self, and with your Passion. You will be challenged to broaden your understanding of all that is Sacred; integrate your self-awareness into being an authentic, aware leader; and live your passion intentionally through the life and work of the church. Creating a Life that Matters integrates art, scripture, music, film, journaling, and diverse spiritual resources to augment your exploration of the Christian path.

Rediscovering Relationship

with the Sacred

While relationship with the Sacred is the fundamental beginning of all faith paths, this transforming experience is often lost when you exchange your spiritual vitality for empty religious practices. In these six sessions, you will explore what it means to be transformed by an encounter with the Sacred, and rediscover loving God with heart, soul and mind. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

1.1 Bring Many Names: We will share and be exposed to a variety of images for the Mystery that can never be fully comprehended.

1.2 Beyond Belief: We will feel permission and encouragement to dismiss what insults our souls and affirm our experiences of the Sacred as true, transformational and soul building.

1.3 Church: The Body Eclectic: We will be able to imagine a church alive – so diverse that a God of many names is embodied by a people who live beyond belief.

1.4 Friends of God and Prophets: We will experience the sacred in the witness and lives of others.

1.5 Staying Alive: We will recognize and celebrate the diversity of spiritual practices, and will commit to keeping ourselves alive spiritually.

1.6 Celebrating the Sacred: We will share a ritual meal.

Rediscovering Relationship

with My Self

You expend time, effort and money seeking to understand who you are. In these six sessions you will explore some of the influences that have shaped you, and ways to create a self you will want to live with, others will want to relate to, and God will be able to use in the service of all that is Sacred. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

2.1 Brilliant, Gorgeous, Fabulous: We will realize that everything begins and ends with personal integrity, the complete and authentic integration of body, soul, and spirit.

2.2 Powerful Beyond Measure: We will begin to understand the giftedness our integrated, authentic selves bring into the service of the Sacred.

2.3 Under the Waterline: We will understand both the conscious and unconscious influences which directly inform our behaviors.

2.4 Keeping Body and Soul Together: We will be committed to the reconciliation of body and soul, sexuality and spirituality.

2.5 Good Vibrations: We will have experienced how others experience us: our giftedness. We will understand the manifestations of the Spirit in each of us, how our soul manifests itself in the world.

2.6 Celebrating My Sacred Self: We will share a ritual meal.

Rediscovering Relationship

with My Passion

Your passions make you most aware of your personal power, energy and joy. Many internal and external factors influence how successfully you manifest these passions in your life. In these six sessions you will explore ways to manage those factors, and discover what gives you power, energy, and joy as you serve the Sacred through the church. The titles of the six two-hour sessions which make up this Course are:

3.1 Did You Call Me?: We will understand that our personal calling will be in perfect harmony with our deepest interests, talents, and abilities.

3.2 Peaks and Valleys: We will begin to realize that both our deepest valleys and our highest peaks are gifts, and shape who we are today.

3.3 Shadows in the Valleys: We will realize that none of the “four basic fears” has the power to prevent us from following our passion.

3.4 Tapestry: We will be able to imagine our lives and our gifts as integral to a vast and interwoven tapestry, that fulfills the purposes of God, through human lives lived in harmony with their passions.

3.5 The Perfect Swing: We will be able to locate the intersection between our own deepest passion and the world’s deepest need.

3.6 Here We Are, Send Us!: We will share a ritual meal.

The Creating a Life that Matters course will be held at the church, 446 West 36^th Street, New York, NY 10018.

Rediscovering Relationship with the Sacred will be held on Tuesdays from October 14 to November 18.

Rediscovering Relationship with My Self will be held on Tuesdays from January 6 to February 8.

Rediscovering Relationship with My Passion will be held on Tuesdays from February 24 to March 31.

The God of My Head and the God of My Heart

One of the things I've discovered in therapy is that the source of much of the pain in my life is my inability to forgive myself for being less than perfect. Even worse, as my understanding of myself has grown, my standard of perfection has changed too. For example, I used to berate myself for being gay. Now I berate myself for not coming out when I was younger.

Now the God that's in my head loves me just as I am, loved me in the closet, loved me out of the closet, forgives my every imperfection. I need that God in my heart, for the God of my heart is constantly judging me, expecting that everything I say and do, even what I think, will be perfect. Where this God came from I don't know, but this One has been with me since my childhood. Perhaps some well meaning Sunday school teacher gave me this idea. Or perhaps it comes from Mom and Dad. In any case this idea of God is essentially evil, because it sets up a situation where I can never be good enough to be an acceptable disciple.

So what am I doing about it? For one thing I'm praying about it, asking God to align my heart with my head. For another thing I am writing about it. I'm trying to accept the idea that the best I can do is all that God expects of me, and all that I have any right to expect of myself. I'm trying to absorb the idea that God loves me just as I am. That perhaps God needed me to be a straight appearing man to accomplish what I did in EMS.

Why this blog?

I've been thinking about setting up a blog for a long time, but I thought, "what's interesting enough in my life that other people would want to read about it?" I decided this morning that my spiritual struggles are interesting enough that other people might be interested. Of course, there will be other things as well, but my spiritual life will be the focus.